Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Yup
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough