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Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.


I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.


Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.


bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage


My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.