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@AngryRaccoon2

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.

@duplicitron

Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

@drankturpentine

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.