Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
accurate
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I put the h in mysterious.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???