Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
rise and shine we got egg
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me too door. Me too.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”