Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.


Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.


A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution


as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water


“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.


I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.


The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go


APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.