@TheRealPalMal

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

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@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@david8hughes

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

@lifeisforkedup

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

@FrenulumBreve

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.