Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
this is the best interaction on twitter
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that