can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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A ghost story
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.