can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Current mood: Potato
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Mood.. 😂
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.