Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Good boy 😂😂
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality