Me: Did you just call me your Boo?
Him: I was scaring you!
Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*
Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*