@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

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@Shock_Monster

Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@daddydoubts

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*