Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.