can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.