cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀