If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
You Might Also Like
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.