can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
You Might Also Like
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Well well well…
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.