Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.