People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You Might Also Like
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Note to self: always read the final line
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.