the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
R.I.P.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is