@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

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@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@ThugRaccoons

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

@Book_Krazy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

@Ma_h_ad

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

@BlindChow

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@

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