*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Meow
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.