I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
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me: wait for what
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant