@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

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@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

@ibid78

After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@Home_Halfway

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant