Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

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ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second


Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”


sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should


Me: Do you love me?

13: Silence

Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.


I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.


Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?


What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.


ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.


AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-