Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“i miss shittin on people”
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*