When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.
I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet
*gets on scale*
*gets off to go poop*
*gets back on scale to see the same weight*
*looks down on poop* Pathetic