Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

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When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.


Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill


[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here


What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?


Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.


I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.


I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.


I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet


*gets on scale*

*gets off to go poop*

*gets back on scale to see the same weight*

*looks down on poop* Pathetic