Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
sigh
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.