Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Bless you
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.