Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me hitting on a model
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.