@WilliamAder: Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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@murrman5: [wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"
@VanGobot: *bank robbery* ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
@Rollmaninoz: my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides