Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions