Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.


My friend got dumped last night and this morning we had a group facetime call where everyone shared how much we hated him and it was about two hours of going through what garbage this man is. At one point I said NASA is still looking for his hairline
And now they’re back together


A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed


My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.


I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.


I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.


I’ve been divorced so long I’ve almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.


“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.


Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”



*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!