Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
😏😏😏
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.