@shutupmikeginn

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

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@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

@jordan_stratton

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@eddie_ferrero

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.