Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”
See how stupid that sounds?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.