Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
You Might Also Like
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁