Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant