Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
So glad we cleared that up
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.