can’t wait til they legalize outside
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something