Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Bro what is this
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.