@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

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@isabelzawtun

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

@kristabellerina

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

@ServiceTech_

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@DadandBuried

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

@WhaJoTalkinBout

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.