@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

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@flashember

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

@MissNaughty1801

I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

@ValeeGrrl

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

@TheToddWilliams

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

@ArtIsMyPorn

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

@AndyAsAdjective

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

@jazmasta

They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.

@HatfieldAnne

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.