Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)


Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.


Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”


Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.


Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.


No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.


[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony


customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you


[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?


Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.