Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
CASHIER: have a nice day
6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.
*Watches sad movie*
Wife: I like happy endings.
Me: me too, but you have to tip more.
Me: twitter would have liked it.
last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.