Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.


If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.


Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.


*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.


do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success


*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying


Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day


Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.