@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@WetMascara

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

@FeelingFisky

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

@envydatropic

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

@Michael1979

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.