@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

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@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@EddieHarris216

6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

@hazelmotes1

*Watches sad movie*

Wife: I like happy endings.

Me: me too, but you have to tip more.

Wife:…

Me: twitter would have liked it.

@ivadixit

last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”

@BobTheSuit

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.