“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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Haha! 😂
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Anime is real
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Lol
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol