Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Boating season is upon us.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.