CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

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I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.


Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago


Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again


No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.


I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?


“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker