CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there