@2tickytacky
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout
[loses house key, starts a new life]
@ShaunRightNow
I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
@CoopSoSarc
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life
Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs
Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
@Rollmaninoz
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
@living_marble
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
@ASpiker
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?
@PetrickSara
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
@HRH_Duke_of_Url
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
@TheBoydP
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker