Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes