Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait