That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.