Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You Might Also Like
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”