@thenatewolf

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@sixfootcandy

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

@Dawn_M_

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

@Jake_Vig

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

@Marlebean

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.