Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
me: BLESS YOU!
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.