the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I would move hell over six inches for you
an octopus is just a wet spider
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars