@Stexcy

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

@KeetPotato

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@NottaBigDeal

I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender

Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

@ThaJawn

Wife: Stop acting like a child!

Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!