Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00
Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.
I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Twitter: The addiction that talks back.