Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
2022 be like
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Thursday
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent