@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

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@whatmaddness

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@RealBobMortimer

FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@Chumpstring

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

@girlnarly

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.