Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.


Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.


ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.


college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”


I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.


Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.


Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!


Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward