Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.


Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood


Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.


Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~


a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin


“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner


This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.


Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.


New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years


Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”