@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

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@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

@whatmaddness

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

@Underchilde

Do the right thing.

Not right away, but like after you get called out.

@junejuly12

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

@iamspacegirl

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

@NotJPo

“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner

@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

@lilgapeach30

Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”