Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever