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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.


*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.


if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.


My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.


Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.


Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.


[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*


The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.



Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill


Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.