It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75