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The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.


I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction


Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.


Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda


NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”

STUDENT: mr jones


STUDENT: that was lit


I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.


[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger


wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?