@spacewizard_t

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

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@BerrymoreBlue

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

@WheelTod

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@MomOnFire

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

@slimerobots

woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@RandomAntics

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@thenatewolf

YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.

@clint_bing

Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.