I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.
ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.
Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.