captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.